The Tumometer

Measurement Log:
30/08/15  20mm
30/9/15 Negligible!

Kid Lung’s Patent Tumometer

Dr. Mark Beresford said that leaving the lump on my left side and measuring any change would be a handy indicator of the general progress of my tumours.

Good idea, but how to execute? I could find no useful tool on Amazon so decided to invent my own for the benefit of posterity.


  1. Take a plank of wood at least 18mm wide. You want it to be easy to grip and not so thin it will push into the flesh (note: flesh density may vary). Length needs to suit the site.
  2. Decide the likely maximum size of the tumour prior to expiry date and cut a hole in the plank at least that size. Ensure that 4-6cm of wood will be extant on one side.
  3. Cut the plank longways to bisect the hole, thus creating an arch.
  4. Get a bit of dowel no more than three quarters of the plank width.
  5. Drill a hole a tad larger than the dowel from the edge of the plank to the apex of the arch.
  6. Visit to print one of their handy rulers. Choose one that is easy to read.
  7. Test passage of dowel. Enough clearance so that it will slide comfortably when the measure is applied? Cut the dowel so that a few cm is proud when stuck into the hole with the tumometer sitting on a flat surface.
  8. Clean up the work and sand down as necessary.
  9. Trim the printed ruler so that the edge is at zero and it will wrap and overlap round the dowel.
  10. Glue it onto the dowel so 0mm is flush with the end.

Voila! It should look like this:


Now get an accomplice to hold it gently against your affected body part and set the dowel against the tumour to measure its depth. It doesn’t really have to be accurate in itself, but done consistently so you can see any changes. Record and re-measure from time to time according to anxiety levels.